Report Card Time

You know its a frustrating world living amongst the sneeches. The world parades left and I right. For instance. Left -- women wearing hipster jeans --hello, if you aren't the size of a newly planted sapling you can't get them up over your knee caps. So pull over to the right -- get something with an elastic waist. Another left -- women should wear thongs, they're comfortable and flattering. Now right -- why would women wear thongs when most women need Spanx? That's about 2 more yards of material.

My big all time left peeve -- marks. Marks are the yardstick for success and happiness. Yep you bring home that pathetic piece of paper to your parents which pronounces you to the fam -- a big fat loser or ta da -- winner, based on As or Bs. And then the As will get you a Free Willy lifestyle.

In my right thinking world, marks are not a reflection of smarts or a winning future. Its a report on how much free after school time you have to reteach yourself enough useless information just in case you might be invited to the World Champion Trivial Pursuit Tryouts.

Unfortunately the lonely hearts club had more free time than I did, or more scary parents and consequently they just made boring folks more boring, employable and eventually tenured.

But the worst with the marks is the "you won't become much" head trip. Well maybe the kids in the Sunshine Class might be struggling to bring in 30 shopping carts at Loblaws in a snow storm although God do Bless Them, but not I. However, I do have the job to keep a tight eye on them like a one eyed cat in a fish market as I don't want the car scratched. But without the As and Bs, No Wheres Ville -- please.

I recall the first time I went to the high school reunion. First shock -- we were overcome with all the bald headed guys who had been hit by the ozone layer. Secondly it was a hay day on illness. Who would know how many people had family members with inoperable hemorrhoids. However of my major importance -- what wonderful life the chick who always got As snagged. Patiently waiting for the report of her successful life instead I heard, well she couldn't make it because she couldn't leave the restaurant. No she did not own the restaurant - she was the waitress/hostess. Well sounds right -- you can transfer those good memorization skills to the Specials of the Day. I think she was a tad embarrassed to show up.

So that is just to give you my take from the other side about school and the puppy mill memorization school theory. Really, how the hell do boring people expect me or anyone creative to survive? As soon as I plunked myself down and the boring begets the boring like that guy in Ferris Bueller, it feels like a dreaded 8 hour drive down the 401 without coffee, Sirius and DVDs. Of course we should all be asleep and ditch bound, but because you fall asleep, or tune out boring people with boring info -- doesn't spell failure.

So that was then, well what about the now?? Well believe it or not the report cards never stop coming. However, now we change the As and Bs to As and Rs -- Admiration and Respect. Here's my right angle thinking.

Moment by moment and you write the Respect and Admiration Report card on anyone you see and the world is writing an ever changing one on you. Yep, as soon as you ran out of the house wearing that God awful too tight pair of pants, with your favorite pair of thong underwear making your cheeks look like two Mt. Rushmores and left your model home like you were robbed and they took the good stuff, Hello F in Respect and F in Admiration department. What really galls me is that while you are zooming around in public looking like someone yelled fire and you had to get out quick, you are writing a report card on the cashier and wondering if all her chin hairs could be plucked and replanted on her hair line? Yep and that how the report card goes.

We are visual people and the report card is all about the look -- the digs, the ride, the rags, even the cell you work in . And don't lie to yourself that you don't think that way -- Jesus didn't have a sister. How many times have you met someone at work, they look respectable and then they give you a ride in the slob mobile. It has nothing to do with the car being vintage -- its when they ask you to bring a towel and you can't imagine why until you see your seat. Then they have the audacity to drop you off at your front door in something that looked like it went through a cow pasture and has enough crap in and outside to fill a dumpster. Could be a perfectly lovely person, but bye bye respect.

It does not matter where you go restaurant, hair dresser, accountant, friend's house, the respect and admiration report cards are being written -- it is impossible not to. If I just pick one out of the bunch how about the professional accountant's office I saw. I get the recommendation and over I go. Immediately I'm huffing and puffing as I climb the stairs to Mt. Everest because the cheap son of the bitch got cheap rent so we are minus an elevator. Then I trip over his curled up rubber back rug after fighting with it to get the dam door open. I then plunk myself down on his bargain chairs with the chrome sides and wood handles. I ask myself, "why am I paying $300 for this guy to do my taxes."

His respect report card says F in location, F in furnishings, F in comfort and a big fat F if Fanny Brightwhite (his wife who is posing as his Receptionist) brings me a lipstick rimmed cup) -- I will scream FAILED!!

And that is the truth about the never ending admiration and respect report card. What you see is what you say, etc. etc.

So as I think about life and the story lies we were told about the report card and the significance of As and Bs, I really wasn't told the importance of the As and Rs. Can't hide those folks and they hurt much worse. So get going girls -- pluck those chin hairs.