Well the Ontario weather crap shoot starts tonight!!! Did you ever wonder, along with why you weren't born into the Manson family, why you were born in Ontario ? I for one have often wondered why I was not born in Florida, Vegas and New Awlins? Especially on the two most important days of the year -- Xmas and New Years -- hell hath no fury like a Canadian winter eh?
And so for many of the female New Years Eve goers -- donning a down filled coat, Sorrel gum boots, Columbia mitts and a balaclava over the new doo and your strapless black sateen party gown -- good luck Sister! With that amazing entrance - you won't die of frostbite but you may get a 911 call as a potential home invader. However, you will make the 12 Bars of Xmas and hearing Guy Lombardo's SHOULD ALL ACQUAINTANCES BE FORGOTTEN pounded out in a techno frenzy by Lady Ga Ga.
I recall one dry spell! A New Year's Eve a hundred years ago! A friend of mine asked me if I would go on a blind date with a US Marine named Gene. Why, because as is the case, he was the tag along friend, who probably had the gas that drove the other ass to Canada. And now that he had served his purpose, well what do we do with sailor Gene? Call Arlene! She can stop on a dime and give you nine cents change. And so off we went to a New Years Eve to the Boat House on Dows Lake in Ottawa. For any of you who don't know the spot -- floating night club with a gang plank walkway -- covered in snow and black ice.
I for one knew I could behave myself . I knew there would be a going and a coming home safely. But as I looked around -- on a blind date there is always plenty of looking around time -- I thought how much alcohol can some women consume on New Years Eve and expect to get home alive? Isn't it amazing how the more women drink they actually think they dance better, get more sexy, charming and beautiful. They arrive looking like a beaten down Rosanne Barrs and after a bucket of Screwdrivers, are flipping their hair, strutting around the place like Anna Nicole Smith and are soon to be doing Coyote Ugly braless on the hood of someone's car screaming "I want my Jerry beads!"
Well, as I was leaving this place, I happened to look up ahead and saw two drunkin bums carrying one bombed out chick . Yep, they skid across the gang plank and dropped her on her head. What are women thinking -- in Ontario winter -- drinking and walking on black ice on stillettos? Worse letting two drunks carry you? Anyhow, I'm sure this chick's morning headache was a concussion not a hang over. I hope the morning of 2010 will not produce an array of unknown bumps on your head but a good awakening thud to what is Divorcees.
So tonight -- are you doing the 2010 New Year blind date thing-- going out single -- staying home alone, dancing with the drapes, crying in your white wine, waiting for the ball to drop? Well you are in good company! According to stats, 50% of married females will become fashionably dysfunctional courtesy of divorce!
So if 2009 was your first year of DDay, no doubt you may still be in the self esteem building phase! Don't fear! The winter may be cold in Ontario, eh, but this could be your getting hot year! I know it was embarrassing to prance around in a white dress, hold hands, openly admit to love, honour and obey (and there's were the trouble started), stand beside in good and bad, and then he decided to reject you.
However, God Bless his little pointed head, he needs a divorce stat. In fact right now he is getting fitted for one of those little helmets as well. This is the 2000s women -- see divorce papers as liberation papers from stupidity and Mennonite ville.
So tonight, if you are purposefully staying home to burn hubby's face out of your wedding pictures and plug in Brad Pitts, halt!! Don't you think Jennifer Aniston sat where you sit sister a few New Years Eves ago? And since that time with the release of Bad Brad's required divorce -- which canceled catering to hubby -- not making pictures to be with him -- or taking lesser projects to protect his ego -- our Jennifer has done more movies and moved her star power up with all her free develop me Jennifer time. So was Brad's requested divorce a curse or a key to her? The required key -- the key he opened the golden bird cage door so Jennifer's ego could soar. So she could freely fly without guilt of hurting his ego?
This might be the night to make a New Year's resolution to watch First Wives Club a hundred million times!! You might get inspired to fit into that white leather suit like Goldie Hawn but more importantly, really get it. Women are smart!!!! Some men don't fit well with smart women! Women know that like female dogs instinctively know to squat but don't want to verbalize it, but they do it in other ways.
Women have been dumbing down since kindergarten. You know what I mean. When your little boyfriend Brian said "did you get what two and two is" you lied. You lied and said "no " to protect his ego. Well now when Brian doesn't get two and two, you call him a dumb ass, or exhale dumb ass, but either way, it comes out dumb ass. Anyhow, I cite Bill and Hillary Clinton as exhibit A. If his ego could take not being President he probably would have asked for a divorce to be with his ego building young and naive Monica because lawyer, senator, Hillary certainly knows what two and two is -- boy does she know what two and two is. Smart women do not to have oral sex in the Oval office! Cameras and staff kids!!
But to survive the "somethings wrong here" flying comfortably out of the marital cage, you will need sisters like Goldie, Diane and Bette because that is the sanity and ego building medicine you are missing right now. You do not need a man requiring you to dumb down one more time into a ball snapper Monica Lewinsky so he can lead the team. Hello you are in your 50s -- this isn't kindergarten! You know how to drive the car better than him, balance the bank book, etc. and what's with the blue socks with the brown suit? Women intimidate the hell out of men. How do you squash that? Some people say, women marry down and men will never leave you! Doubt that one when all he hears is women huffing and puffing about his dumb, dumber and dumbest.
Watch women walk down the street -- leaning on his arm like they became too weak to stand up -- low blood pressure maybe? Be a Scarlett OHara and not a Melanie Wilks --premeditated divorce feels like an arson attack on Tara. And as God Is your Witness, you will thank the arsonist when you see you are the undiscovered capable Mistress of the Plantantion, and Rhett, well -- he'll become an invited guest, but there won't be any hidden agenda who is the smartest.
So tonight think about it? What is divorce --just a piece of paper that said, you are too dam smart for me and I need out! I need someone lesser to keep my ego in check. And if you really watch First Wives Club you will see that out of three forced divorce smart women who came together not just to build a center for women, but one got cheer leaded to Broadway; another to putting the husband as an employee of their company and the other buying back the business. These smarties pooled their ideas, assets and energy and sang down the street "You don't own me -- I'm not just one of your many toys." Right on sister -- you are the CEO of the toy company courtesy of unwanted DIVORCE papers.
So find your smart women -- your cheerleaders, ball snappers, asset lenders, who can drag you back to doing something with your -- smartness. Knock off the advice -- show him go get another guy and raise him to greatness -- that will make him mad. What will make him mad will be to see all that hidden talent and smartness that you squashed away spent on you and move you into some kind of material greatness.
And sometimes, as great as your own biological sisters are, they can't be your cheerleaders because they don't get the pain of the divorce ego smashing. They only see you in relationship to how they know you. How could my little sister run a company -- she couldn't organize our closet or make the sign for our Freshie Stand? Well are we stuck at 4? Coras Franchise was a forced divorce great as well as Paula Deen's big business. Divorce brings out the greatness in smart women because without a DIVORCE, we wouldn't have push to fire off those great omelette's.
And your mother and sisters wouldn't send 50 pizzas to their husband's house to piss him off -- that's mean -- well another divorcee will get it and high five you when you do it for ego healing reasons and he gets the bill. So sometimes, sadly, a biological sister might be a stick in your spokes when it comes to your recovery and discovery.
So for a New Years Resolution, may we all have a year in which we rekindle, develop and honor smart women. Thank those smart women who hear us, hold us, heal us, and HIGH FIVE US our smart selves. And as you need smart woman cheerleader/ball snappers, commit to become one forever. Don't drop the smart sisters and dumb down when Rhett walks by again. As I said since Grade One we knew the truth -- dumbing down can last only so long in any relationship so you know the probable outcome unless he is very okay with having a very smart wife.
In summary, Smarten Up Sister. Don't let drunkin guys carry you out to your car tonight or that fall on the head may leave you asking "what's two and two" like some folks we know???
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