Getting a little dismayed at the Lets All Go LESBO craze. Probably could be the start of a new dance. This week we had Meredith Baxter proclaim on the Today Show, "yes I'm a Lesbian." Three failed marriages and 5 kids and now she has found the Lesbian in her closet -- its not a Lesbian Meredith, its a bisexual. On the other hand, any of the true lesbians that I know, and I do know a few, knew pre puberty that having sex with a guy would have required major adjustments --a nip and tuck job -- a thorough shaving -- five hours of serious makeup to end up looking like Cher -- and then some gagging might still be involved. They also do not have husbands and kids pictures in the family album unless artificially inseminated or found extra cash for Chinese kids.
What is all this nonsense? Do you not watch Oprah? You would think we were all living in the dark ages and Penicillin had yet to be invented. Angry, exhausted women cry on national t.v. they need a wife and want the husband to be more wifely. Is it the cry of the exhausted or the need to be enlightened?
Twenty years ago I met with well known sex researchers in London who are trying to educate the head in the sand crowd that our sexuality is on a continuum. In other words, the majority of us are born bisexual, and society sells it as taboo so we don't disappear. Wishing it away or denying it ain't going to change a thing though baby. And hello, why are so many people up in arms? Isn't two women being together every man's dream?
So since societal thinking seems to be getting updated through the magic of t.v. presenting long needed research, be forewarned. The Post Divorce ( Guess Whose Coming to Dinner ) guest may not be the black, handsome Sydney Portier but the lovely Portia De Rossi with your daughter. The bisexual waves a coming. This is probably the real sexual revolution and birth control is not needed.
Is this bisexual wave a good thing or a bad? Well if you take a look our current state of heterosexual affairs -- the alarming Divorce rate and the unhappily marrieds sleeping in their separate rooms, the answer is BAD. In Quebec they have ascertained that if women could get their hands on some serious cash, all you would see is their rear tail lights. Women believe marriage was invented for the sheer benefit of man only.
On another note of logic, if you look at men and women living together it seems as nonsensical as a cat and a dog cohabiting. Look at their natures. The dog -- loyal, giving, energetic, forgiving and affectionate. The cat -selfish, lazy, sneaky, with holding, dam right pampered and willing to eat out of anyone's trash can. Now which do you think might be the man -- bingo, the CAT. And what is the dog doing -- well ma petite chien, Gi Gi, is plotting the moment when she gets her hands on that smug, lazy ass fur ball and shake the living hell out of him.
Isn't it funny that when you initially meet the mother-in-law she says something cute along this line "well, I hope you can get him to help you dear, he's 26 and I still have to clean his apartment and put his toilet seat down. " And of course you smile, not fully realizing what this crazy ass woman is saying. She is telling you to warm up those vocal cords honey because you are about to take home her pampered prized Tom Cat. Secretly she's counting the minutes until wedding day and if you hear her saying I do -- in unison with you -- it means I do release my inconsiderate, selfish, lazy ass son unto you, but don't hurt him. The happily ever after the wedding tug of war stories.
And down the road, what does the mother-in-law say when divorce is impending, "Is there anything I can do to help you two dear? Maybe you could be a little more patient or try harder in the bedroom and he will forget about her!"
Well that's when you scream, " Old Lady you could have house trained your Cat. I work too you know -- I need an adult not another child." On that note she further digs her grave and says "maybe you should go see the doctor about all that anger dear -- its not good for the kids to see or for your health!" Well you can't fix stupid. No you can't. She does not see that raising a male from child to adultery hood is anger provoking and what is karmic debt -- she is eventually going to get his lazy ass back. Smile old lady --you got Punked.
Now lets head to Sanity ville. As I said we are talking Dogs and Cats here. So while you are plotting to take out his new 25 year old bitch, girls no matter how you slice it it is still a Dog Cat relationship. It is impossible when the chemistry wears off for him to not have the new Poodle just plotting, as you did, to get her hands on his old lazy, arrogant Tom Cat Ass and defur him. He will look like he's got the mange and he will naturally come meowing home telling you what a Bitch the new girlfriend is. Do not celebrate -- insist that he enlist in the Army. He needs some 300 lb. terrifying Sgt. Dingman in his face barking make that bed, clean that toilet, etc. Its the best training a smug, pampered cat can get. Its called house breaking.
So here is my final bit of witty, wisdom to the women -- BITCHES unite. Females want affection, attention and assistance. Males want respect. Well how can males get respect behaving like inconsiderate teens? Cats and Dogs is what we are! Boot camp only takes care of the Assistance. And oh yeah, about that Garden of Eden story. With another Eve, the snake wouldn't have had a chance to seduce two Bitches into sinning for an apple, maybe a gift card to Home Sense, but a bite of an apple? Please. Only a male would jump for a little bite of something.
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