Who blew up the t.v. set?

I was born into a family of fixers. Take for instance my brother Bruce. Bruce was passionate to know how electrical gadgets worked. In order to know how well they had to be broken. So, whether subconscious or not, the old man would come home and sure enough the t.v. set would not be working again -- why? Well probably because through some freak of nature a UFO had come flying through our family room again and smacked the t.v. set so hard the t.v. set blew up.

Now in those days you didn't put the t.v. curb side with a "free" sign -- you found someone who had a picture tube for sale and install it yourself. Bruce would sit there like he was watching a strip show memorizing every turn that the maestro's screw driver made. Today he is an electrician magician. In fact he sets timers on the phone and shower so he doesn't have to yell at his teenagers. Services just shut down on command. Like the clapper.

I, on the other hand, wanted to know how love electricity works. And just like inanimate objects if the electricity is faulty relationships rot and pipes explode, etc.

Now my finding love subjects did not require a phony UFO story because everywhere I looked there were constant breakdowns. However I had no cupid maestro to show me how to remount that arrow, aim and presto, love electricity is restored.

My apprenticeship started in high school. You could tell by the gal's low, low energy that last night Mr. Don Juan had been caught out with another girl, when he told her, he was going to bed early. The love connection was broken -- crying, sighing, ring throwing, threatening, hysterics, etc. If the bathroom walls could talk. And where was Arlene to be found -- donning her tool belt -- toilet paper for crying, hand cream for soft back patting, ice pack for soothing swollen eyes and standing patiently, wide eyed while witnessing the emotional rants of a woman scorned by love. "I'm going to kill him -- take his testicles and hang them like dice on the rear view mirror in his 56 Chevy."

And like every human being, I too experienced love breakdown. Love seems to be like an appliance. Get a brand new fridge and for about two years, its great. Then the fridge starts making some serious noises and want to replace. I think that is how leasing started and today Marriage seems to be adopting the same principle. Problems, get a new person.

However, the principle sounds good except the "D" word leaves you looking and feeling like a total failure. No one likes to say they failed, nor do the kids like to be part of this failed marriage.

Just pass someone at work and say,"how's your parents" and here comes Niagara Falls -- "my mother wants the D word and she's 65. Says my father is an emotional dolt, like talking to the fridge. They are going to counselling but I know counselling doesn't work and I don't want my parents divorced." Divorce is like coming home and finding the t.v. set blew up, no parts to be found and likely will never enjoy your favorite shows again.

And each divorce is like a snow flake. It comes as a result of unique and complex problems. And since 50% of all first marriages, 60% of all second ones and 75% of third ones end in divorce, well we should expect, based on figures, Hell and smacking of failure 2 to 3 times in our life time. Get ready. What is really sad is that each divorce is the splitting of the nuts and hello poverty.

What is really a myth is that a Divorce IS A SOLUTION -- its really just a reshuffling of your problems. If your partner was not fired up on putting in the new hardwood, although 16 boxes of it are still sitting in your basement, well good luck on getting your support cheque written or having him pick up or drop off the kid on time. Temperament is temperament. Some people are born to cooperate and create a heaven. Some work on the don't cooperate -- HELL principal. You actually had a less stressful life married -- at least you wrote the cheques.

Today people walk down the aisle saying, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce. Once upon a time if you heard that D word, it was like hearing the word Aids -- unfamiliar, foreign -- until Aids grew into an epidemic. Divorce has become a normative process, a natural state of being, like a plague with its goal to regain premarital freedom of the physical, emotional and economic realm. I think its a lie sold to the masses and propagated by the lawyers so they can have their kids live in a $700,000 house, eat steak and go to Disney World at Xmas while yours eat hamburger in their town house and watch Disney on t.v. if you can pay the cable bill.

Divorce, in truth is HELL because we are all products of traditional thinking. Divorce is a negative photographic image of your marriage efforts. You failed. It feels horrible to say you are a once, two, three times a failure. And divorces, most are BAD -- never seen a GOOD one yet -- watch Tiger Woods' divorce unfold?

Everyone I know walks hopefully down the aisle into marriage and now drenched in divorce are hopeless. And where did those expectations come from? Parents, cultural tradition, fairy tales, movies, t.v. stories, music, etc. And guess what? All those cheerleaders who cheered you getting married, now have flipped sides and want to get into the act of cheering on your hellish divorce. Having been through one divorce myself, and along with other members of the First Wives Club, you won't get a "you go girl" from me. Its the hell of all hells, except of course if you are a movie star and can easily afford another mansion, hire the best attorney, shrink, plastic surgeon and vacation at a fat farm of your choice. Hello Ivana Trump. Basically a divorce is a luxury for the rich only.

What is really missing is our understanding of marriage. Marriage is just a fancy word for A DEAL. A DEAL OF A LIFETIME. Despite failed expectations the divorced person will continue that deal for his/her life time. i.e. parenting.

The initial deal, or FORMAL CONTRACT is signed with an enormous amount of side deals left unwritten. And not aware of these side deals when they rear their ugly heads, each couple is expected to be good negotiators with the surprise emotional bombs. That is as retarded as a Dentist fixing their broken tooth, or a Dr. operating on his clogged artery. Its stupid. You are just too emotional.

Side deals include emotional commitments to parents, siblings, employers, ex spouses and children. Typical Side deal -- this marriage contract forgets to include -- I promised my mother we would be at her place each Xmas and accompany my brothers fishing/hunting/beer drinking each weekend in the Spring and Summer. Well, would you really have said I do to those conditions. And what side deals does she leave unsaid -- I promise if my girlfriends are going clubbing and it is your office party, I'm going with the girls. Or if I am out with my sisters, tired, I will not be available for your family Xmas party. Basically -- YOUR NEEDS AHOY!!

In my decorating days I had a sign on my desk that said, little things don't mean much, they MEAN EVERYTHING. Its all those little overlooked little needs that cracked the fun of being married. What we all want in relationships is that this new person will meet all our needs and many of the needs left unattended by my parents and stomped on by previous spouses. This will involve much compromise, labourous discussions and a hell of a lot of sacrifice. Basically it means, both parties wake up each morning with the intent to satisfy the needs of your partner first. And hopefully if you do, well when you die, there won't be another one like you.

Actually starting a marriage is like settlers emigrating to California enjoying sunshine along the way without a clue that the ground will move under their feet, as they each stand on different ground, and the fault line runs right between them.

Why are people not getting Marital Electricians -- because Divorce is being sold as a solution for unmet needs. I believe most couples need to consider LEARNING before LEAVING a marriage or even starting one. Most people are love illiterates and need to learn the LANGUAGE OF LOVE of Sacrifice.

Love is a language designed to fill the love needs. The needs, if filled, shout in neon letters, I LOVE YOU. If you look at dear old Mom and Dad who were your love teachers, you will know why you suck at filling up the love needs gas tank. Dear old Dad bought his love of his life, a weed whacker for Mother's Day. Bet you will find that amongst her most cherished gifts when she passes over. And what did she really need -- well she pointed out to him as they passed a jewellery store, a lovely ring with the kid's birthstones on it. And Ma, who has needs for Dad to diaper the baby once in a while, is nagging Dad right to the point where she will get a chain saw for Xmas which may be cited as Exhibit #1 in the family murder case.

It doesn't matter if your Divorce Theory is the Karmic Theory -- we were past life mistakes. Or, the Shopper Theory -- people are like cars. You measure the depreciation against residual value and dump them when the warranty expires, or how about the Death Rate Theory. Twenty years used to be the usual life span, and since we are living longer, everyone gets a good divorce every twenty years. Divorce is very, very painful, should be avoided at all costs, and it isn't a new person that's the solution. Ask Elizabeth Taylor.

I say my solution for love breakdown is not leaving its learning something useful as I said. The language of love is useful in filling love needs of the spouse, the kids, and even the folks at work. We are all starved for a full tank of love daily.

And to wind up this who blew up the t.v. set in my world of love gone bad, surprise it was both parties. Sorry girls. Probably, the folks who had the worst love teachers are the most responsible. Just like the parents taught you the English language, they taught you your love language. Are you illiterate or not?? Really sit down and think about what you saw growing up? He called her "the nag" and she called him "the bastard." Far cry from honey and sweetie??? She bought him useless stuff and she complained about what he did. The last time Mom touched dear old Dad was to kick his leg when he was snoring and him, well he pushed Mama aside to get to the fridge to get another beer.